My husband died in my arms last week. He wanted to pass away at our cabin in the woods: we made that possible. But no matter how prepared we believe ourselves to be, the moment a loved leaves their body, a new realization sweeps into our consciousness; the universe just altered. I completely believe we are eternal and far grander than our bodies, however, our human experience teaches us such incredibly deep emotions ~ grief, sorrow, pain, shock, loss, ~ that no matter how spiritually or religiously connected one feels, those emotions still are part of the package. They just are. I seldom cry unless watching movies or commercials or at weddings, however I’ve cried a small sea in the past week. However, with that said, amazing miraculous things have happened that are simply brilliant. The first one was a very conscious departure or death. (I’d like a new word personally….death conjures so much negativity)(See “Death needs a Make Over” posted December 3, 2014, blog)
I knew Wednesday was the day. I just knew. In the morning, the Eagles were talking as they flew over the cabin. Another sign. In the afternoon his breathing became more beleaguered due to the body and especially his lungs, filling with fluids. I lay beside him sharing visualizations about letting the body go, walking to the light, releasing the “silver cord” – the cosmic umbilical cord connecting the soul to the body. I held him close. I knew he was out of his body yet a part of it still, as he let me cuddle and caress him, something that’d had been uncomfortable the night before. My younger son rubbed his legs and gently talked to him.
By then the other family members nerves were fried from the ordeal that had begun the previous Friday. They voted as a team to call an ambulance to take him to a hospice facility. They felt he’d be more comfortable, yet I knew the opposite to be true. He was where he wanted to be. It gave comfort to my family which was needed. It also provided an impetus.
I shared with him he had basically two hours before the ambulance arrived. I explained he’d be taken to the hospice facility, something I knew he didn’t want, nor did I. We were where he and I wanted to be. It was our agreement. At twenty minutes I told him he’d better get on it. I said, “Dale Ross, don’t make me mad! It’s the last thing you want. You’re on a countdown!” As the ambulance pulled in ~ we were an hour and thirty minutes from town in our off-grid cabin so you can understand the significance of the return trip ~ I told him, “Okay they’re here,” his breathing up to that point was still quite hard and labored. The emotional tie to me, to us, our life, was still very present. I didn’t move till the two paramedics came in and asked what was needed. As they left the room to get equipment, I moved to his side, my hands on his legs, watching his face, I could feel his breathing change. It was an immediate deliberate movement. I briefly turned to the men as they walked in and said “He’s gone, he’s leaving now.” At the exact moment they walked in he jumped out. It was miraculous. I watched his eyes expand and open, his mouth relax, the tongue twist as his body released his soul. It was like the Egyptians explained, about the soul containing weight. His body became lighter yet heavy and still. I exclaimed to him, “You did it! I’m so very proud of you! You did it the way you wanted.” It was brilliant.
On the practical side there are a few other factors worth mentioning. First of all, hospice provides morphine and oxycodone for pain, and lorazepam for breathing and calming. We found the best combo was actually cannabis oil, specifically Rick Simpson Oil, and lorazepam for pain and relaxing, without the bad side effects of opiates. He was able to be conscious yet without severe pain. I believe this to be a very vital and important component in the death dance that is missed in today’s universal fear of death. The common course is to over medicate to erase the fear and pain of both the patient and family. I believe the more able we are to participate and communicate in our final moments the less fearful the departure. And if the pain can be kept at a minimal through other means, such as cannabis, then absolutely we need to seize it.
Symbolically, there were also many magical and significant clues dropped into my consciousness indicating the divine synchronicity of the entire event. First of all, 2016, 2 + 0 + 1 + 6 = 9, which is the number of completions. He died on the 27th, also another 9. Double completion. He died exactly at 6:40 pm which is a 1. The number symbolizing new beginnings for both of us. This was our 13th year together, we were married on the 13th, and numerologically this is a 13 year for me, which is the number of major transformation under the sign of Scorpio, my husband’s sun sign. My birthday was three days later and we had miraculously 13 people hiking along the Lewis River here in Washington. Astrologically Dale had entered a grand square which for me symbolized the great doorway he passed through to continue his journey on the other side.
I watched as his soul departed and moved to the light. I didn’t feel his energy again till the next morning when I heard the Eagles talking. It was brief but there. Could’ve been my energy was too dense, too tired to hear or to sense his presence. By the weekend I was feeling better and able to connect. I had a dream in present tense, where I ran up to him laughing, hugging him while he sat at his desk and asked him about the “Other Side.” Said he didn’t want to break the connection. Then he went back to work.
Subsequently, I’ve been in contact with him nightly. I take time to meet him at the river-of-life to talk and share wisdom. I’m going to start writing our sessions together as I feel they’ll only expand.
And one more fun thing. Two nights ago, out of normalcy, I started to text Dale. Funny right? But it’s as if he’s away on a trip. I pulled up the text then pushed the “message” button however it remained on the screen. I literally had to turn off the phone and reboot. I clicked over to texts and it remained for a second with multiple texts on the screen then it automatically clicked back to Dale’s text without me doing anything. Pretty direct. I laughed and told him thanks for the clear message.
I was sending out a card and CAPTCHA appeared to validate I wasn’t a robot. Can you guess what the words were? DALE AVE.
I know beyond a shadow Dale is thriving in his special corner of the universe. I know too, our conversations, our connection will continue to expand.
Love and life are forever.
Cosmic sunshine to you.